Thank You For Your Sex™ – Lena.FM

“A healthy mustache. Every March, my friends and I celebrate “Mustache March.” A truly masculine man wears his hair on his face. There’s nothing sexier than a man with thick facial (or chest) hair. A nice button-down shirt with some hair sticking out the top. The air of silent confidence with the sweet smell of machismo. You ask me what is manly? That’s it. Hopefully that helps.”

Before I say anything else, I am going to say this: I am an immigrant, and I am straight. I grew up in a semi-communist environment and I didn’t know that gay people existed till I was 12 or 13. And once I found out, I didn’t care. It was well, a little weird, given the imagery I grew up with (Girl loves Boy, Boy loves Girl, Boy proposes, Girl gives birth to a baby). Same-gender relations felt to me like they were missing a key ingredient (not the babies, silly, but that polarity of energies). But after all, if somebody felt like they should go that route, it didn’t bother me. I didn’t relate but I didn’t spend my days imagining a male member going into another male’s anus. To each one’s own.

In my tweens, mother warned me: “When you grow up, men will be so effeminate that you might see them wear earrings”. Well, mom, it’s gone much further than that. [...]

So I went to that dance party yesterday. I was going to meet up with a friend but he couldn’t make it and I didn’t find out till the party was almost over. So I was pretty much stuck by myself (which does not scare me at all. I am like a steppenwolf with a nice arse and a huge ego).

…The skinny bra-wearing chicks hired to shake their cute little asses on stage looked lovely (which partially explains the fact that later on I dreamt of forbidden bodily contact with a dozen wide-eyed Asian tourists in plaid skirts). [...]

My last divorce was brutal.

I felt like a sandwich spread – weak, fooled, abandoned, just tagging my body along through the day.

But since my hubby was not coming back, I had to do something about my life. Like a one night stand, for starters. [...]

“Your music is amazing, thank you for bringing beauty into the world. Also, I like your breasts.” [...]

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

1. The ones who don’t follow me on Twitter. Seriously dudes, I am from Moscow, I learned how to be a snob before I tried my first “babushka” on. Jesus! [...]
8. The ones who post too many naked pics. Some naked pics are okay though.

You realize there are too many throaty success coaches in your Twitter feed when you hear yourself telling your cat: “It’s okay, sweetie, don’t be depressed, you did a great job!”

Exclamation point.

But why, why was I consoling my cat? [...]

Another cartoon by my favorite Bobo Puppyhead. [...]

“A hot Russian kitten is looking for a respectful vacuum cleaner, D/D free, please respond with a recent photo. Also, you should love giving oral”. [...]

“Yes, – she responded. – My daughter wrote a book, that’s how I know about blogs”. She named a name, and it was supposed to be famous, but I had an agenda of my own. The woman paid for blogs. I needed to act. [...]